The Hidden Rules That Keep Women Playing Small at Work
- Linda Rhoads
- Aug 11
- 4 min read
What if the real reason you’re exhausted isn’t the workload, but the unspoken pressure to be prepared, agreeable, and endlessly accommodating?
You may be following hidden rules you never agreed to. Rules that tell you to smile more, interrupt less, and keep your needs in check.
Many women leaders unconsciously adapt to these expectations just to be seen as “credible,” even when it costs them authenticity. These aren’t formal policies. They’re felt expectations, and they’re everywhere.
Let’s name them so you can begin loosening their hold.
Why Over-Preparing and Over-Accommodating Don’t Create Real Safety
Noticing these patterns in yourself takes courage.
It takes energy to see that you’re the one who’s always the most prepared, the most accommodating, the most agreeable. That you’re more exhausted than your peers, and still trying to prove you deserve your seat.
You might even like that about yourself. You care deeply, and you show it in the way you work, often going further than anyone else.
But here’s the quiet cost: when you finally set a limit, say no, or ask for support, you feel it — that subtle shift in how others respond. The pause. The letdown. The quiet judgment.
This is what I call the Too Much / Not Enough Bind. The internal tug-of-war that tells you your value depends on giving more than you have, without ever needing anything in return.
It’s not just an identity issue. It’s a balance issue.
This bind pulls you out of rhythm with yourself. You start trading your energy, your time, and your truth for approval. You swing between over-functioning and over-correcting until nothing feels sustainable.
Naming the bind is the first step toward reclaiming your balance, not by doing less, but by leading in alignment with your limits, your values, and your voice.
The Unspoken Rules Women Still Follow to “Fit In” at Work
They’re not written or spoken aloud — but they’re there, woven into tone, timing, and expectation.
You feel them in the pause after you assert an idea. In the discomfort when you ask for more. In the praise you hope for when you over-deliver.
“It’s like there’s a code I’m following, but no one admits it exists.”
These rules aren’t policies. They’re patterns. They’re absorbed over time and often show up as internal whispers:
Don’t take up too much space.
Be helpful, but don’t expect credit.
Be confident, but not too direct.
Even if no one ever said those words to you explicitly, you’ve probably lived them. You’ve felt the judgment. The discomfort.
And because these rules are rarely acknowledged, many women think the problem is them — not the expectations.
As one client said, “It’s like there’s a code I’m following, but no one admits it exists.”
It exists. And you’re not imagining it.
Why “Be Grateful, Not Bold” Still Shapes Leadership
These hidden contracts don’t just shape behavior — they shape identity.
From early in their careers, women are still encouraged to be grateful for opportunities rather than bold in claiming them. You might soften your accomplishments, stay late without recognition, or over-prepare just to be taken seriously.
Sometimes, your mentors encourage it. Not because they want you to shrink, but because it’s the path they had to walk to survive in a system that didn’t make space for their full expression.
You may feel like:
You have to do more than others just to prove you belong.
You’re too direct, too ambitious, too intense — and must tone it down.
You should be thankful, not expectant.
Gratitude becomes a mask. Compliance becomes a currency. Ambition starts to feel like a threat — not a strength.
But gratitude doesn’t equal belonging. And humility doesn’t require self-erasure.
As long as we stay grateful instead of bold, we reinforce a contract we never agreed to.
Breaking the Performance Trap and Reclaiming Your Voice
So how do you stop playing by rules you didn’t choose?
First, notice the signs of the performance trap:
You over-function to earn respect.
You say yes to maintain likability.
You downplay your strengths so others aren’t uncomfortable.
Whether it’s praised or ignored, this performance comes at a cost. It drains your energy. It disconnects you from your truth. It creates a version of leadership that’s polished — but unsustainable.
The shift begins when you ask:
Who am I performing for?
What expectation am I unconsciously following here?
What would alignment look like instead of approval?
You don’t have to swing to the opposite extreme. You don’t need to be loud or sharp-edged to be taken seriously. But you do get to stop editing yourself for someone else’s comfort.
Practice: Notice the Rules, Rewrite One
To practice ending your default into playing small and start showing up as the leader you already are: after your next few meetings, take a few minutes to identify a hidden rule you’ve been following that keeps you small. Choose one to quietly rewrite — even in a small way — and notice what shifts.
Your Turn ✨ Reflection Prompt: What hidden rule have you been following in your leadership? What might change if you chose to rewrite it?
Need a hand rewriting a rule, book a breakthrough consult.
This post is part of Unlearning to Lead: Reclaiming the Way Forward for Women in Leadership — a blog series exploring the invisible rules many women carry, and what it takes to lead from authenticity instead of adaptation.
Linda Rhoads coaches high-achieving women, drawing from 20+ years of leadership, including confidential executive advising and Chief of Staff roles. As a certified executive coach (PCC), she empowers women to move beyond self-doubt, cultivating leadership presence and sustainable rhythms for fulfillment.
✨ Lead and live on your terms. Connect with Linda on LinkedIn or visit The Soul Spot for more insights.
Comments